Where I'm At Now

So it’s been a couple of months and I don’t know how I feel right now. I still go through days thinking about her and also battling a lot of loneliness and regret. But a lot has happened ever since she and I broke up, as documented on this page, and I want to talk about where I’m at now and how I feel about things.

I think the first thing that I have acknowledged is that I’m not as great as I think I am. That there’s a lot of things wrong with me. That even though my mind and my heart tell me that I love somebody, I don’t act as such.

I’ve also realized that I don’t really care what people say about the way I approach grieving the end of my relationship with her. It sucks and I’m the cause, but it doesn’t mean I can’t go through it. It doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. Every moment I spent with her meant something to me. Nobody in this world can tell me that I did all that stuff for nothing, I did it just because I wanted to, or that I didn’t like her. That’s absolutely rubbish. But I don’t care what everybody says.

I think the main thing here is I wish I could talk to her again. I wish I could talk to her one last time, just for 15 minutes, just for me to tell her what I think. She’s the one supposed to read these posts, but she would never know about these posts. She shouldn’t know they exist. And it’s just my little way of talking and trying to have an outlet for my feelings and stuff like that. There’s nobody I could talk to about this apart from my therapist, but sometimes I just wish Awura could hear me.

I don’t want to be with her again. I can’t be with her again. She wouldn’t want to be with me. But I feel like sometimes, if she actually knew that I am aware of the lies that I told, aware of the deceit, aware of the manipulation, aware of the plotting, maybe she’d be more satisfied with me owning up more, or she would accept the situation faster. I don’t know what kind of condition she’s in. I have no idea. I haven’t heard her voice ever since we broke up. I just play voice notes back just to remind myself of how she sounds, which is obviously a terrible idea. But I wish she could read all this. As a matter of fact, I just want one last conversation with her.

I feel like a lot of things happened when we broke up. She sent me one last text about how she would never believe anything I say, which is fine. I did lie a lot about things that I shouldn’t have lied about, and I hope she knows that I know that, and I need to own that. I think our chapter is definitely closed. She thinks so as well. I would hope that it wasn’t, but I don’t even think I have the ability to go through it again. I would look at her in the face and just be absolutely ashamed of my actions. And maybe one day she’d give me the chance to talk to her again.

As I’m sitting here right now, the people that I spoke to when I was with her, the people that I linked, the people that I hid from her, all of them mean nothing to me. And that’s for me to deal with, of course. Which I’ve dealt with for the past couple of months. But she’s the one that always comes to my mind before I go to bed. When I wake up. So fucking hard, man. It’s unbelievably hard. It’s one of those things where you feel like you’re never gonna get out of.

And shout out to my two friends that listen to me. That chastise me, that tell me what I did was absolutely terrible. But they listen to my thoughts, listen to my cries, my everything. And she didn’t deserve this, man. She was the best person ever, the best girlfriend ever. She was the best. And I just know that whoever gets to be her long term or forever is absolutely lucky, and I’ll be rooting for her wherever she’s at. Wherever she’s at.

You know the thing that actually is so crazy, and what stays in my mind, is sometimes I just think about things like, oh, she’s about to graduate, maybe she must be excited. Or she probably got her new job. Maybe something happened, or maybe she moved. She finally moved to the new house. I saw one of her friends tweet, “Oh my God, my favorite person is going to be my neighbor.” And I was like, oh, probably she’s about to move now. All these experiences I never got into because I was an idiot.

I went to Nairobi recently and I couldn’t even share my experiences with you. We said we were gonna do vlogs. And I’m walking through the city and all that couldn’t happen. I’m going to Berlin next year. You also wouldn’t be able to experience that with me, although we discussed it. There’s all the plans we discussed, all the things that we discussed. It’s like I just ruined everything.

Wow, I can’t believe our anniversary is in a week. This is so fucking crazy. Oh, our anniversary should have been in a week. Like, I’m such a fucking fool.

You probably hate me. You think I lied about my feelings, you think I never loved you and all that stuff, which is valid. From your perspective, I will never go against anything you’re feeling. But I can only speak for me, and I knew I really did love you. I love you so much. I still love you. Which is fucking crazy. But yeah. Just take care of yourself and just know that it was never your fault. You were the best ever. You were amazing.

And I don’t want to say I wasn’t ready. I feel like I was ready. Maybe I wasn’t ready. I did feel like I was because I knew how you made me feel. It wasn’t ever a feeling thing. This is me saying it with speech and transcribing it, so it’s not really written and it’s going to be all over the place. But I don’t know, it’s just one of those things where I know that it’s the biggest mistake of my life.

And what fucking kills me is that I could have just left you alone. I could have left you alone, I could have just been friends, and you wouldn’t have had to know this side of me ever. You know? And then again, if it never happened, this side of me would live forever. That part of me died the night you ended things with me. It died completely. Nothing else mattered.

Yeah. I miss you so much, Awura. Yeah.